Absent when you stay in the corners of your room worrying about what used to be and what could be far away when you are on your knees for hours praying for changes. Hoping someone above is listening to you, believing that your change is overdue. Ignorant of the times you have cried, wishing something could disappear. Wishing you could change certain situations, and consoling yourself with encouraging words.
In the morning you wash away yesterday sadness and wear a bright hand painted mask with a wide smile to cover up the contour of lines that is your face. Pretty clothes cover up your ugly scars. You’re up straight, head up, shoulders high, you walk the streets, heading towards your work place; you feel many eyes on you, judging eyes piercing through your soul. You hear their whispers of mean words, indirectly asking what they really want to know deep down.
There she goes
With the king and queen does she wine and dine?
What has she accomplished that’s new?
Always feeling like she’s on to of the world”
You smile as you go on; their words don’t pierce through you, as its bouncing back like arrows when it hits armour. The breeze in your hair shakes it, that moment becomes lovable. You close your eyes for a moment and forget where you are, then reality bumps hit onto you. Everything becomes slow like the movies; you bend to pick your scattered papers. You hurriedly pick and he helps you to. You raise your head to say a warm thank you, and then you see those judging eyes, staring as they burn your skin like laser jets. The hands over the papers, this is no fairytale, he says as he hits you with his shoulder.
“Watch where you are going”
You nod as though you were still a child being scolded by her teacher. What a way to start the day! You yell at yourself in your head. Your knees knock and you miss your steps. Your confidence disappearing faster than the smoke from a burning a flame when it reaches the heavens.
Another group laughs, looking at what you have on. They don’t miss the fact that you are also alone. With the judging eyes they say it on. Their cold demeanor clung to them like the perfume they were wearing. They also have something to say.
“Are these the clothes she is said to have? Where are your entourage? Why wear high heeled shoes when you cannot walk in them? Trying to fit in?”
One of them steps forward to push you, in the process you already loose mask, fall of your face and the tears comes rushing down.
“She is even a pretender; she isn’t who she appears to be”
Your intestines feels like they are interlocking and your heart beating faster than usual. You run far away into the corner and break down praying to God to take your life. Judging eyes from a corner peep! You hear distant chattering and you are on the run again. Out of the corner, a young man holds you, calms you and wipes away your tears, first with his silk handkerchief.
You go on a couple of dates and for these weeks, you don’t care about the judging eyes you normally meet. Then one day, faster than you could call ROBINSON, he is gone!
Back to the same odd routine, judging eyes resumed their duties or did their existence just resurface from where you pushed it? You go about your everyday life, but nothing remained the same… in your favourite saloon, the one you bring your friends to become the most uncomfortable place. The hair dryer was taking forever and the eyes around were stinging your body. One of the old women there asks,
“Where is that gentle man of yours? The man you have been flocking with? The one you thought you loved?
You want to be home, more than anything. You want to be in the four corners of your room. After a long day, you get home; drop your keys and bags on the kitchen counter. You head for your room and the image of which you have now become attracted you to the mirror.
You good for nothing child, see what you look like you say to yourself. The judging eyes, piercing eyes started from you and your bright judging eyes.
© Adedoyin Adetutu